NO HELP FOR PARENTS OF ABUSIVE CHILDREN

            I’ve thought long and hard about this posting, mainly because it’s a very sensitive topic to me personally and secondly because I believe the word “abuse” is pandered around too frequently making almost any action a person takes somehow destructive to another human being.  We can thank Child Protective Services (CPS) for this overused and misdirected concept of what truly constitutes abuse.

As an example of the misdirected verbiage of abuse, not that long ago the headlines ran a story about a school personnel taking away the lunch of a student because it did not meet some bureaucrat’s definition of a healthy lunch.  There was a meat sandwich and piece of fruit included in the lunch the mother provided but the mother of that child was verbally deemed to be “abusive” to her child for not providing the child with a mandated healthy lunch (again determined by some moron bureaucrat).  Was that really “abusive” behavior?  Since when can a parent not make a determination of what their child can or cannot take to school as a lunch?  If the child wants a bag full of candy for lunch (not that I would recommend that outside of letting them get sick to prove that eating a bag of candy is probably not the most wisest decision) then it’s no-one else’s business.  I have a nephew who, as a young child, would only eat cereal.  The doctor told us that if that’s what he wants then just let him eat it – it certainly wasn’t making him unhealthy.  So we let him eat cereal.  Today if we were to do that – we would have been investigated for “abuse” in the form of negligent nutrition.  Give me a break.

In another instance, I told one of my children to take their shoes off of the sofa or put their feet on the floor.  This child got up and called the police – stating that I was abusive in making them feel uncomfortable.  CPS had been at the school instructing the students that “anything” anyone says or does that makes them feel uncomfortable is considered “abuse” and they are to report any incident to CPS or the police.  My asking them to remove their shoes made them feel “uncomfortable” and, therefore, they interpreted that as being a “fact” that I was being “abusive” to them.  The same thing happened another time when I asked this child to push their chair in at the dinner table once they stood up to leave.  The police showed up at my door because I had made my child “uncomfortable” which is a form of “abuse”.  Again – are you freaking kidding me?  I mentioned this ridiculousness to the CPS person who simply said, “Oh yeah, we tell the kids that so they can feel safe.”  What?  In other words, anything a parent asks a child to do (such as clean their room, take out the trash, unload the dishes, etc.) that the child does not want to do is grounds for the child to call either CPS or the police to report their parent for abuse.  Do you ever get the feeling that this world has gone mad?  But I’m getting away from the topic on hand – that being what does a parent of an abusive child do?

First off, let’s define the TRUE meaning of what constitutes abuse.

Abuse is a repeated act, either verbally or physically, rendered with the intentional design to inflict either emotional or physical harm to another.

The two things we need to focus on here are “repeated act” and “intentional”.  What this means is that a parent can repeatedly tell a child to clean their room (since clearly once is never enough) but that repeated act is not an “intentional” design to inflict emotional or physical harm.  It’s to instill cleanliness and orderliness and the understanding of how a family unit needs to work together on all levels, including taking care of the household and to learn to work within the laws of our land because there will always be someone telling them what they can and cannot do to fit into society as a whole.

Let’s face it that we all at times throughout our lives say things verbally to others that do inflict emotional distress but those times were not “intentional” but merely misguided and are rarely ever “repeated acts”.  So if a person says something that affects your emotional state, you cannot simply cry out that they were being abusive.  It doesn’t meet the criteria of actual abuse.

Clearly there are true incidents of abuse in the world and the cruelest being levied upon children but if you look to CPS, they will have you believe that the act of parental abuse is rampant when in truth – it is a very rare thing.  The fact that CPS now deems anything a parent says that a child does not like is to be classified as being abusive will make CPS declare that abuse is on the rise.  In fact, in one recent statistic I saw, CPS stated that one in every three households contains an “abusive” parent.  Really?  One in every three?  How lame and, more importantly, how damning to millions of “innocent” parents.  So if CPS deems anything a parent asks a child to do as being abusive – then what does it deem abusive that a child does to a parent?  Answer:  (And this came directly from a child psychologist – don’t get me started) – “Children cannot lie or be abusive.”  Like – what planet does this person think their living on?  And what’s this all about “bullying” in schools?

Unfortunately, far too many people seem to agree with the not-from-this-planet psychologist because as I began to research the internet for help available to parents who are victims of abusive children (both younger and older children), I could barely find a thing.  Every time I would input “abusive child” the search engines would bring up “abusive parent”.  It didn’t seem to matter how I would try and rephrase my search line to find assistance for abused parents, it always came up abusive parents or abused child.  Come on now – my husband and I cannot be the only ones who have been subjected to abusive children who have committed “repeated acts” of “intentional” design to inflict emotional harm – and find delight in doing so.

It took me a while but I did find one blog where parents expressed their own frustration of not knowing what to do about their abusive child and not knowing where to go to get help.  Talk about an ignored group of people who are in desperate need of some help – even if it’s just to have someone listen to them, understand their anguish, know that they are, in fact, being abused by their child or children and who need reassurance that their parental acts of caring did not and do not warrant the treatment they receive from their children.  That they are not the monsters their children would like them to believe and who delight in telling others how horrific their parents are just to get more digs in and to alienate their parents from other family members and friends.  And, I’m sorry, but the repeated responses I saw given to these parents who were seeking help was to either eliminate the child from their life or to be extra “sweet” to the child.  Those responses are simply not viable answers.  In fact, they’re quite lame.  This is not a one size fits all situations problem.

Being a parent of abusive children, I have felt my own share of total and complete frustrations.  It’s like no one really understands and you feel totally alone and start thinking something is wrong with you.  I have even asked God why he has allowed this and then one day I got to thinking – how many of God’s children abuse him?  If anyone knows how we feel – believe me He DOES!  So my next question was – how do we get support for each other?  That one is a little more tricky because I’m still not sure of how to obtain the resources but I figured I’d start out by writing this blog post.  I’m opening the door to all those parents who have been and who are being abused and feel that they have no where to turn.  I don’t have answers for you – I’m trying to find my own answers – but I’d like you to feel free to comment here and know that there is someone at least willing to listen – sometimes that’s all we really need.  Maybe in time, if enough come and vent – we can begin to work together to help each other.  Maybe I’m a little over optimistic in this pursuit but for now – I’m offering you a sounding-off platform.  I hope you take advantage of it and come to realize that you are not alone.  We know - we feel – we understand.

An abused parent,

Chris