Recently I was involved in a conversation with a group of people at work about the state of relationships as they exist today and how they differ from years gone by. Finally one person asked the following question: “Is marriage taken seriously anymore?”
Immediately after the question was asked people began to chime in on such things as gay marriage, civil marriage, plural marriage and even no marriage. A few mentioned that they believed that the institution of marriage was a thing of the past – that it was, at one time, only a means by which “women” were taken care of but nowadays women are very capable of taking care of themselves so marriage was no longer necessary. Huh? Well that response clearly had no religious understanding behind it. Others believed it still was taken seriously but had a different significance and that significance was the fact that people no longer had to feel “trapped” in an unfavorable marriage. There was no longer any stigma associated with divorce and so, in their opinion, marriage now comes with a lot less constraints and restrictions. My thought on that response was, “What constitutes as being unfavorable?”
For a number of years I worked for a sole-practitioner who handled several divorce cases. One case that I remember was a couple that had been married for one year. The wife came in asking for a divorce because, and these were her words, “I am tired of asking him to take out the trash. I am not going to put up with that any longer. I warned him and now I want a divorce.” To her, her husband’s lack of taking out the trash to her specification made her marriage “unfavorable”. Really? Is that a legitimate reason to get a divorce? Apparently so because she got it and her case of a trivial reason was not the only one we handled. So, yes, the comment made by my co-worker that there is no longer a stigma attached to being divorced is correct but is that really a good thing?
So it came to be my turn to answer the question on whether marriage is taken seriously anymore and here is how I responded:
“The resounding answer to that question is an unequivocable NO. Why? - Because this world has lost its values, its morals and its love for God and the family unit. In the past the family was the central core of any human’s existence. You loved, worked, lived and breathed for the unity of the family. The family consisted of a father, a mother, siblings and grandparents. Everything you did in life was to help strengthen and nurture that family unit and, in return, your reward was learning and understanding about yourself and knowing that you were not alone in this world. As a child you grew up in a family unit and learned what it would take to find, create and sustain your own family one day and the first part of that journey was to find a mate – not only someone to love and be best friends with but who held your same values, who would stand by you through thick and thin, who would be your sounding board, your strength, your confidant, your advisor, your spiritual helpmate. That relationship you knew would need to be nurtured and not taken lightly or for granted. It would be a relationship that would take a lot of work and self sacrifice but it would most definitely in the end be worth it. Building a strong relationship between you and your spouse was paramount to creating a strong family unit for your children. In the past, everyone knew and understood this and that is why marriage was taken very seriously. It was understood that it was to be a lifelong commitment. You knew that there would be bad times, horrible times and hard times but you also knew that there would be spectacular times, inspiring times, uplifting times and joyous times. As the hair on your heads turned grey, you and your spouse could look back and realize, together, that you wouldn’t have changed a thing – not even the bad for, in reality, that is when you learned and grew the most.
Today – people are different. Gone almost completely is the love for the family unit. God has very little to do with anything – He only gets in the way. In their place we have found selfishness and feelings and beliefs of self-entitlements. Today people think the world revolves around them and them only. It’s all about what I want, what I like, what I feel – me, me, me and more me. If the other person in your life doesn’t give you what you want you simply discard them. Children are seen as a burden not as a blessing (notice how pet stores have sprung up over just the past 20 years – their less burdensome). Why? – Because children hinder upon their finances and freedom to do whatever, whenever. There are no moral or spiritual commitments to anyone or anything. In fact, anything that even hints at being moral or spiritual is spat upon or quickly brushed aside as irrelevant and infantile. Why? – Because both moral and spiritual values entail sacrifice of self – a totally foreign concept for the entitlees of today. The entitlees of today will tell you that they are freer to express themselves – to be themselves – whatever lifestyle that may entail. That is truly comical because if they could only stand back and take a real hard look at themselves they would easily see that it is they who have become enslaved to a corrupt, addictive mentality that, in the end, will only bring them heartache, loneliness and deep despair. It is the very loss of the seriousness of marriage and all that it entails that has and continues to corrode the foundation of the entire world. It is why the children of today flounder in knowing who they are, what their purpose is, what their value is and what kind of future will they have. Without having the strong bond and values of a family unit solidified through marriage, they are lost. We have an entire generation that is traveling down a road to nowhere.”
I do believe that there are circumstances that warrant a divorce – those that entail physical and/or emotional abuse – severe and persistent abuse not just a one time thing. Marriage is work – hard work – unending work although it does get a lot easier as we age and get a history behind us. It is not all sunflowers and roses. It also entails thorns, splinters and spasms. This is what you sign on for when you make the decision to get married. You don’t go running when times get a little rough but society today echoes the very opposite. Today’s mentality is – I don’t like that so I’m out of here. Divorcing is easy. In fact, today if you have never been divorced you are looked at as though there is something wrong with you. To me, that mind thinking is what is wrong but it reflects the average opinion of what marriage is today. It’s mostly used as a tax shelter but the laws are revolving to eliminate that so marriage is on a drastic decline and as it continues to decline, so shall we all.
If we want to fix this we need to once again hold marriage as sacred. We need to honor each other and grow together – not follow selfish different pathways. And, above all, we need to bring God back into the picture because if He isn’t there – then nothing else will ever really matter.
Sounding off,
Chris Broome
Where do I begin? Well first, let me start by saying that, as a "divorcee" myself, I'm relieved there's no longer a stigma ~ why should there be? That's like saying a woman who's been raped is labeled a tramp or damaged goods. Regardless of the circumstances in these situations, I think most women feel a sense of failure. It's in our nature to think we are strong enough, love deep enough, can fight hard enough, to prevent harm to ourselves or those we love.
ReplyDeleteI agree many people are too lenient when it comes to the sanctions of marriage but not everyone is meant to be married. Unfortunately, one doesn't always know until it's too late. It's not fair to say divorce comes easily to people because we are self-centered, unwilling to make sacrifices... or don't allow God into our lives. Not everyone shares the same religious beliefs and so the emphasis on that aspect may not be a factor at all.
None of what you mentioned above were the reasons behind my divorce. In fact, we were happily married for 18 yrs. with 2 beautiful children. What else then could possibly cause us to split? Well, several things actually, one of which was the fact that people do fall out of love and can no longer honor their initial vows. Marriage is like a contract and, when someone breaches that contract, the other party suffers the damages. There are feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and alienation by the very person with whom you thought would be there forever. When that happens, a slew of emotions go through you as you continue to sacrifice your own wants, needs and beliefs, giving it everything you've got inside, hoping somehow whatever is broken will become whole again. Then one day you wake up and realize that nothing you say or do will ever change the situation. Despite doing your best, the fight is lost. It was 2 long years before it took an unhealthy toll on me but it had nothing to do with lack of sacrifices, wants for ME, or that God wasn't present in our hearts & souls. It all came down to being human. People change and gravitate toward different paths. Not intentionally, it just happens. How could anyone remain when unconditional love, respect, or commitment no longer exist. The marriage is doomed.
Years ago people stayed together "for the sake of the kids." Over the last 20+ years, however, I think we've all heard of the tragedies as a result. There are more people killing themselves, their spouses, their children, entire families. I have no doubt many of these people believed and prayed to God, all to no avail, and simply snapped one day to escape the constant pain in their lives.
Lastly, I do agree with some of your analyses. I believe today's children are a product of the evolution of society. It's the root of evil insofar as it permits our children to think they're entitled. The media, the schools, government, on top of the insurmountable stress parents face today often cause them to make less favorable choices in raising their kids. Referencing your previous blog, parents are quickly deflated and left defenseless to teach their kids right from wrong. It is the children who hold more power these days as they have resources (CPS) to run to when things don't go smoothly. This is true with or without religion in the family.
I've been very fortunate in that both my children have become wonderful young adults. Despite my divorce, their father and I put our personal issues aside and continued to co-parent them all through high school & college. As a result, we've achieved what every parent wants for their kids~to become loving, educated, and socially accepted individuals who will use the tools we've provided them to make their own rewarding lives. We are blessed indeed.
I understand you have deep religious beliefs and that, without God, the value of life would perish. Perhaps that is true for many but an open mind would agree that not everyone thinks alike. I believe "to each their own ~ Que sera, sera."
I thank you for your comments and viewpoints. As reply comments are limited in size, I have posted a second follow-up blog to answer your comments. Please see part two. And, again, thank you for your comments.
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