I'd like to follow-up my prior blog on the topic of whether marriage is taken seriously anymore. In response to a comment I received, I wanted to add some clarification to my statements. Please remember that this is my sounding off as to my viewpoints and I do appreciate the fact that others have different viewpoints. I want you to feel free to express them - I don't take offense. Sometimes our viewpoints can open another's eyes to situations not anticipated or thought about by that person and sometimes my viewpoints can open eyes and understanding to others who had different understandings. Either way - this is a place to say what you like whether we agree or not.
The article I first wrote on this topic was meant to be more reflective of the importance given to marriage today by the younger generation and society as a whole. The sacredness and importance of marriage and ALL that it entails is not honored, revered or given the full commitment that it was in days gone by. (Naturally I do not mean this statement to be a blanket statement for everyone but it does by far cover the vast majority of today's mentality on marriage.) This is in great part due to the deplorable lack of morality that exists in today's world.
As for being a stigma - perhaps your understanding of that word and mine differ. I do not think of a stigma as being that a person is bad, unworthy, horrible or unwilling to make compromises and work out problems. How I mean stigma to be in the text of my posting was that after you got a divorce you would give far deeper thought into marriage, making sure that the next time you would get married that you would be more thorough in getting to know the person and how you and that person connect. You would weigh changes that life could bring you and talk out how each of you would re-act and act. Overall, you would have a far better understanding of just what you were getting yourself into so the next time - you would be as certain as humanly possible that you would do all in your power to make it work as would your spouse.
The thinking of days gone by was that "I've gotten a divorce. It was horrible. I felt horrible. No one really wins. I don't want to go through that again." And with that mentality, you worked harder to make sure you didn't go through it again. However, today's generation does not see or feel that stigma. Today's generation sees divorce as a contest - as something to be admired. I have heard countless conversations in which people laugh, "I've been divorced three times," or "I've been divorced four times." In one conversation I was with 3 other women (all of whom will remain unnamed) and Woman A said, giggling, "Well, it's official, I've filed for a divorce." Woman B said, "It's about time. I never could see what you saw in him in the first place." Woman A again giggled and said, "Well, he does have a great boat! I'm hoping to get that in the divorce." Woman C says, "So how many divorces will this make?" And Woman A says, "Seven." Woman C says, "I've got some catching up to do then cause I've only had four." Woman B says, "I've only had three. I've been thinking about divorcing this one but - well the economy is not all that great right now so he's safer than being out there." I then mentioned that I had never been divorced and the 3 women looked at me like, "What's wrong with you." Then Woman C said, "I don't know how you do it. I'd go crazy if I had to stay with anyone for more than seven or eight years. By then things just get boring." -- Now the woman who is now on her seventh divorce is only 41 years old and the other two women are in their mid to late 30's. Why is divorcing just a joke to them? Because there is no stigma attached. They have no incentive to look at what didn't work and what to do to try and make it work next time. In fact, their not interested in making anything work but are rather more interested in seeing what they can come out of the marriage with (like a boat). And believe me, this conversation was not a unique conversation. I hear it or something very similar to it nearly every week on the train, in the mall, at the grocery store, at the post office - you name it. People laugh, joke and brag about divorcing as something to do rather than something to try and avoid. That's why I think there should be a stigma. People should be compassionate to those who divorced through tough situations and be supportive in helping them regain their lives - not standing back and applauding them, rooting them on and asking, "So what did you get out of that marriage? A house? Stocks? A boat?" (Although not mentioned here - I've heard many similar conversations from men as well although their reasons for divorcing differ such as - "she got fat", "she doesn't cook well," and, as I've heard women say, "It's boring now. No excitement anymore. I'm still young and can attract some great looking women.")
ALL marriages take two people who are 100% into the marriage and making it work. No marriage can survive if one partner is only giving 20% or 40% and the other is giving 100%. For the one giving 100% they are victims of mental abuse which I mentioned as a criteria for divorce. As the one giving 100% you do have to eventually come to realize that no matter how much you give, you will never get the other person to be as committed to the marriage as you are and in that realization, there is a great deal of pain. A million lost dreams are realized and a divorce is very hard but, in the long run, can be very therapeutic to healing - for both parties. A person in this situation does take marriage seriously. If they didn't, they would have never even made any attempt to try and save the marriage. The point in my article was that today's generation, for the most part, will not make even the slightest effort to try and make a marriage work. Their mentality is that marriage should be fun and if things get a little rough - I'm outta here and they do just that. Divorcing for many has even been termed as being "fun". Years ago I very much doubt if you would have talked to anyone who had been through a divorce as it having been "fun".
As far as falling out of love - I'm not really sold on that. People can lose their way, forgetting what originally brought them together, but falling out of love - not without allowing it to happen. Again, though, if both parties are not giving 100% to the marriage, then emotional abuse is taking place. But let's address the falling out of love part. A friend of mine a few years back went through a really rough time in her marriage. For twenty years things went very well. Suddenly, or it seemed to me to be suddenly, she stopped communicating. After several months she finally spoke to me and told me that she and her husband were going through a bad time. He had started to become distant to her to the point she started to think that he was having an affair. Finally after several months she confronted him and he said that he hadn't had an affair but he was questioning whether he wanted to be married to her anymore. He had hit 40 years of age and she had been his only girlfriend - the only woman in his life and he was now wondering what his life could have been had he had more girlfriends, had he travelled the world, had he done this thing or that thing. He was wondering about just how much of life he had missed out on and now that he was 40, he didn't want to miss out on anything else. She started to represent an entrapment to him so he stayed at work longer, closed himself off at home and eventually moved into one of the other bedrooms in the house. After living this way for nearly a year, he finally told her that he wanted to get a divorce. She was devastated. During that year she had tried to give him the space he needed - telling him to pursue some of the interests he had expressed. She tipped toed around him - hoping this was just a mid-life crises for him and now - he hit her with wanting the big "D". A few weeks later he filed for divorce but continued to live in the home. The two never spoke after that. I'm not certain of what the exact circumstances were after that but she came home one day had found him crying, divorce documents in his hands. He finally told her that he had the papers for the past few days and all he had to do was sign them and have her sign them. He said that the papers were supposed to represent his freedom but he felt they were his doom. He started to think about - not all the things he never did - but what would life be without her in it. In the more than a year that they had been going through this tough time he had never thought about what his life would be without her. He didn't want life without her. He rediscovered the love he had had for her back when they were teenagers, when they first married, when they had their first child, when they had lost a child. He was now terrified that she would want to go through with the divorce and he didn't but he knew she had the right to go through with it after the way he had been treating her. She never did want it and although the next couple of months were still rough, they were once again both 100% committed to making the marriage work. This year they celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary, stronger in love and commitment to each other than ever. Although they had gone through a really rough time, they built upon what they learned during that time. They learned about themselves, the other person in the marriage and the importance of the institution of marriage. Her husband had believed he had fallen out of love with her, wanting what he had never had, but when it came to actually losing her he realized that he hadn't fallen out of love - only had become confused and lost by "what ifs" but in the long run - "what if's" didn' matter. This type of dedication to each other just isn't seen by the generations of today nor do the children of today see that type of commitment. So, I stand by my statement that the answer to the question, "Is Marriage Taken Seriously Anymore," to still be a resounding "NO". And if we don't change that attitude, the institution of marriage may become extinct.
Thanks again for listening to my sounding off!
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